okay, let’s get this out of the way so i can actually blog about interesting stuff. you see, every time i sit down and think about blogging i feel like there’s always this hidden subtext, that it’s this postured and constructed version of me. now, i’m not suggesting that i can evince some ‘objective self’ onto this page in the internet, but at least i should get to the point of why i am here, writing this. plus, the advantage of having zero readers at this point means that it’s going to be purely archival data, dug up at a time when it probably won’t be relevant.

theory: i am a hopeless romantic.

let’s look at the facts. dana actually dumped me almost a full year ago, probably more than that in her own heart. a year is a long time: three hundred and sixty five days by twenty four hours by sixty minutes. i still hope that somehow, someday things will work out. not in an abstract sense, either, but in very real and practical hopes that she will show up at my door to explain that it has all been a big misunderstanding and can we finally talk again?

i know that is an unreasonable thing to expect, but still i go to bed each night vaguely unsatisfied with a life where that has not yet happened. i do not deal well with unresolved conflict. we pass each other at lunch, and i want to look her in the eyes and find out what happened then, what can we do now, why? i keep thinking of things i should have said differently last month, or six months ago, or last year or eighteen months ago – words that i somehow think could have avoided this, if only i had done things differently. i give much more credence to my cleverness than i ought.

so that sets up the basic dramatic tension in my life right now. my heart is wrestling with a love for a woman who does not have any interest in speaking with me anymore and in all likelihood never will. awkward. it is a story as old as love itself, the very definition of asymmetry and the source of a million poems and songs throughout history. in some ways the sheer banality of it simply depresses me, yet is there anything to do in this situation but be human?

there are few other times in my life where i thought my heart had been broken, that my trust had been discarded and an important relationship rent. i still remember, and with some i remain on good terms and others have most likely forgotten my existence. i no longer feel pain when i think about those experiences, yet i know that they played a vital part in shaping the man i am today. i know that time will make a liar of me. it seems inevitable at this point that i too will fully renege upon my promises and i don’t know what will happen then. i guess i will find out.