so, if you weren’t aware, one of my hobbies is gaming. i started out with video games – atari 2600, nes, snes, pc gaming, and currently i have an xbox and a gamecube. but beyond that, i also enjoy pencil and paper gaming. i’ve been playing dungeons and dragons for over a decade now. magic the gathering was the first of about five collectible card games that took all of my spending money for a few years. i even larped with the camarilla folks for a year – oh the nerdfest!

ever since i went to the united kingdom back in 1997 though, i have been in a contentious struggle with one of the most expensive games ever: games workshop’s warhammer 40,000.

it’s a ‘wargame’ in the loosest sense of the word, designed for relatively fast play and with little attempt to be anything other than fun. you pay gw $5 for a little metal and plastic piece – of which you need about 60-70 – that you can assemble and paint yourself before pushing it around a board for a few hours.

it doesn’t sound very fun does it? turns out, that’s my problem with it. i really struggle to enjoy the game, in fact back in 2001 i sold out of the game, got rid of what i had and i’m currently using 60% loaned stuff from my old buddy haukaas. still, i keep playing. i spend money on it, invest tons of time, and when it comes down to the game i somehow fail to have fun. i get frustrated with the poorly written rules, but also to a large extent i get caught up in the competition. i want to win, and when i start losing i start furrowing my eyebrows and withdrawing from the game a bit.

i turn into a poor sportsman.

now is that the game’s fault? probably not. there is an aspect to pencil and gaming that is personal and intimate. you spend two to eight hours with a couple friends, hashing out poor rules and trying to derive shared enjoyment from the game. if someone is bitter or ill-tempered the mood is incredibly tense. at times i am that guy and i don’t want to be. i know i don’t have much invested in the game at hand other than trying to make sure we all have fun, and if that’s not the goal then what am i there for?