i hope you have seen kubrick’s 2001: a space odyssey. one of the central characters in the film is the artificial intelligence aboard the jupiter-bound Discovery, the HAL-9000. HAL is a good computer. he enjoys playing chess with mission commander dave bowman, and in a way HAL is a very personable companion. there is even a human coldness to the way HAL goes crazy, kills frank poole and the three astronauts in hibernation, and attempts to kill dave bowman as well.

HAL is a faithful computer, but he is forced to conceal the true nature of the mission from bowman and poole. his insanity is a result of this tension between incompatible demands. within his framework he is unable to rectify any escape from this paradox other than to kill the humans on board and complete the mission himself.

that’s how i feel sometimes. like i am torn between commitments i have made and my responses to suffering that tension are destructive.

the apostle paul touches on this briefly as well in romans 7:15-19

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. [niv]

i don’t want to do the things that i do, but i also don’t know how to not go mad from a life unresolvable. i’m not asking that everything be neat and tidy – i know that’s an impossibility – but i guess i need some more clarity and perspective on how to take life seriously without simply being overwhelmed by this tension.