i have been hanging out with alot of old friends lately. or rather, thinking about them and trying to do so. thus far i haven’t been all that successful on following through.

a couple weekends back i did make the effort to track down a high school friend i knew was still local and hang out with her. i don’t think we’d spoken in a year, and i’m not sure i’d seen her in five. it was fun to hang out and catch up on old times.

it sure can be awkward to hang out with girls though.

i think over the past year i’ve become really self-conscious about pulling what might be known in our small circle here as a “scott”. scott is one of my best friends, a brother in Christ and one of the coolest guys i know. he also is always getting himself into trouble with his friends that are girls. he’s nice, pays attention to them and – apparently – girls start to think of him romantically at which point the conflict occurs because it’s not mutual. i scoffed when i first heard about it because scott is not exactly ’smooth’ with the ladies, but i’ve been subject to enough half-drunken corroborating evidence that it is indeed a real phenomenon in our social circle.

i’m not suggesting that i felt like there was a huge possibility of that – the sixth grade crush notwithstanding – but i think the slim chance made me surprisingly worried. i can’t say i’ve ever been one who has been that concerned (perhaps aware is a better term) of the subtext that might be carried by my interactions. it’s not been that big of an issue for me. romantically speaking, i’d guess that i’ve only ever been actually-would-make-an-effort interested in a couple dozen different people. i’ve never been one for crush-of-the-week syndrome or playeritis. i’d never really considered the idea that other people might become interested in me.

a few people took the initiative to prove to me that my theory had a few glaring mistakes, and the end result is that i’m trying to figure out how you moderate interactions with people who you don’t want to think you are a huge jerk (despite the fact that you might be) but don’t want to think you’re interested in them romantically (because you’re… well, see below).

as i think about all this i wonder if i really know a damn thing about romantic relationships. the people i’ve been interested in? a few of them are good friends still, with others there is still awkwardness, and most have slipped out of my life. my interest in the latter was ultimately a fleeting thing, but at the time it seemed to be so vitally important. how does that even work?

perhaps i should just go back to my plan of becoming a monk.