i’m feeling my age.

it’s not that i’m old, mind you, i’m well aware that i’m not. i’ve got plenty of vim and vigor and ability to stay out ridiculously late, ride my bike like a madman, and in general i’m in better physical condition than i’ve probably ever been. mentally though, i’m reaching a point where i am trying to figure out what to do with my life. that’s been instrumental in the topics i’ve been mulling over this past summer and autumn – work, travel, graduate school, housing, friendships. i feel like my peers and i are faced with three broad options, each somewhat exaggerated to for detail’s sake.

the first is the thrill-seeker. the immediate, as it were. this is most prevalent when i’m hanging out with .83 and is carpe diem personified. life is about experiences, doing things, the next activity – of which there are nearly infinitely many to schedule. i had a busy summer of riding bikes, bbqs, beer drinking, and more but a sense of not actually doing anything.

perhaps that’s because i remember college, and see myself as a preparer. looking toward the future. obviously, working at a major research university i’ve watched this quarter as a number of my friends have progressed through their {undergraduate, graduate, post-doctoral} positions and moved on towards their goals. i’m not sure i have any goals though. what’s more, it seems like i’m notoriously bad at achieving the ones i set. learning to wrench bikes has been fantastic, and i’m hoping to have a similarly good experience with cars and houses. but for the most part i don’t feel like i have much to prepare for. the end times perhaps?

which i could sit and wait for, if i were comfortable. i’m somewhat envious of those around me who seem to be comfortable with where they are at. i know that i often use that term as a pejorative for apathy, but i think there is true value in not feeling undue pressure to perform in either of the two directions above. of course, if you get too comfortable there is the ever-present danger of stagnation.

so where does that leave me? sort of nowhere. i’m not suggesting that these three categories above are exhaustive or exclusive, but as i look at my life and consider how incredibly quickly the last year has slipped by i wonder what life i am building and what i’m implicitly choosing for myself.