“…it would seem that our lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. we are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. we are far too easily pleased.”

- c.s. lewis, the weight of glory

i had a disturbing realization this morning. for various morbid reasons i was pondering how i would feel if i learned i had a few months to live, and i concluded that it wouldn’t be that terrible.

i mean, frankly, i’ve got no girlfriend, wife, or kids – not even a pet. very few things in this world depend on me being around. true, it’d be hard on my poor mother. and i would hope at least a few of my friends would be a bit shaken up but such things happen. not to mention, i’m sure there are folks out there who would be plenty glad to see me gone. so what am i sticking around for?

now, this is not intended to be angsty; that’s not the right emotional paradigm for understanding this. it’s in fact a bit of melodrama that gets at an underlying discontentment in my heart. it’s not a present sadness, in fact i have a life that is legitimately quite full and generally contented in the moment. but in that there is a lack of longing, a death of desire for something more than what i have before me now.

i feel like i no longer get excited about things without qualifications. my hopes have been smashed by reality around me and my own failings enough times that my desire has adapted accordingly. the past three years in particular i’ve watched the crumbling of numerous things in which i had such high hopes, such excitement and now i’m hesitant to say i ever cared anyhow. i’ve come to a point of cynicism, of preemptively quashing tiny bits of excitement in my own heart before they become another source of pain or regret.

i want to be free to hope abundantly, to love ridiculously, and to reach out to people with a depth and honesty that frankly i’m just afraid to right now. i want to go beyond attendance and into engagement with the life around me. but those desires seem so nebulous, so likely to fail that it’s hard for me to hope that i’ll ever accomplish them.

so what am i left with but hoping in something else?

okay, it’s meme time again. maybe i should have one meme a week. meme mondays? theinternet thursdays? i got this one from lt. it’s music-based, in that the answers to these questions were helpfully provided by itunes shuffle over my two thousand song library. usefulness of this form of divination? low.

1. how does the world see you?
   imaginary girl – tennis pro, cassie’s junior varsity make-out squad. i would like to be known as the guy with an imaginary girlfriend.
2. will I have a happy life?
   get up – dropkick murphys, do or die. if i don’t get up, if i don’t stand for something then i’ll fall for anything.
3. what do my friends really think of me?
   believe, – third day, time. but then, what do they know?
4. do people secretly lust after me?
   salty dog – flogging molly, swagger. hopefully this does not mean a drunken pirate secretly lusts after me.
5. how can I make myself happy?
   come just as you are, crystal lewis, greatest hits. probably the most accurate answer i’ve ever seen.
6. what should i do with my life?
   you’re pretty when i’m drunk – the bloodhound gang. check!
7. will i ever have children?
   wish i hadn’t stayed so long – hayes carll, sxsw 2005 showcasing artist compilation. possible interpretations here seem to be a substantial stretch.

8. what is some good advice for me?
   solstice: reintroduction – blue scholars, blue scholars: the expanded re-release. in the title? not much for advice.

9. will i be remembered?
   date with destiny – pennywise, full circle. this is eerily accurate, actually.
10. what is my signature dancing song?
    the white tree – soundtrack, the lord of the rings: the return of the king. well, no. though it does kind of make me tear up just to think about the grandeur of minas tirith when behold, the lords of gondor have returned!
11. what do i think my current theme song is?
    crime and punishment – fun lovin’ criminals, come find yourself. dostoyevsky, i am not.

12. what does everyone else think my current theme song is?
    fear of the last branch – mercir, as small as the center. if i gave you two thousand two hundred and ten of my mp3s and asked you to pick for me a theme song and this is what you came up with i would give you a huge gem-encrusted golden trophy.
13. what song will play at my funeral?
    you – bad religion, no control. please? eternity my friend is a long fucking time.
14. what type of men/women do i like?
    suite autumn – soundtrack, halo. sweet autumn? perhaps!

15. what is my day going to be like tomorrow?
    see you soon – coldplay, live 2003. and with that i’m done. see you tomorrow?